Hi facet
I appreciate the feedback and you are certainly right about all of this. As I explain in the foreword, the book is about how psychological pain and abuse can push people into a "transformative" (hypomanic/manic) state and how our emotions can distort our judgment... which is why I included things of a personal nature (a break-up with someone I loved... which caused the psychological pain... which pushed me into a manic state... which allowed me to write the book in less than three weeks).
The book is dedicated to the person who broke my heart, because I was so in love her and because I was so worried about her, having broken up with her (she battled with a few things that are addressed in some depth in the book... which made the relationship impossible). Anyone who knows what happened between the two of us will realise that, like corboy, I was betrayed by someone that I loved and trusted... in the worst possible way... yet I blamed myself for this, and even begged for her forgiveness on the final page. Although I loved her and treated her with nothing but care and support, she was emotionally abusive and managed to convince me that I was responsible for everything that went wrong.
While it hurts to admit it, I can only laugh at myself for the irony of this situation - I dedicated a book on emotional manipulation and abuse (gaslighting and convincing good people that they are to blame for the pain in their lives) to someone who abused me psychologically and, through incredible gaslighting, convinced me that I was to blame for this extraordinary abuse. When all the evidence in the world told me that I had been betrayed, I could not handle the truth and convinced myself of the most unlikely version of events... because it protected my broken heart, and allowed me to keep seeing this person I loved as someone worthy of this love.
So, as someone with a PhD on manipulation and bipolar disorder, I was manipulated and pushed into a bipolar state (mania). While in this manic state...which I may still be in to some degree... I was convinced that I was not manic (but "transformed"), which... of course... is what I argue occurs to most people who participate in LGATs. Although this might seem embarrassing, and perhaps I will view it in this way at some point, I quite like the fact that I've revealed how vulnerable I am to trusting the intuitive mind rather than the rational mind (like I argue EVERYONE IS in my book). If ever there was evidence that I'm speaking from a place of experience, rather than braying condescendingly to readers as many academics and authors do, it can be seen in the fact that I beg forgiveness from the very person who abused and betrayed me. I'm unsure if a more ironic situation has ever existed.
It's difficult not to be hurt by this sort of betrayal and gaslighting, and I am completely heartbroken, but I imagine that there are things that CJ went through which have contributed to her behaviour and her many personal struggles. It's difficult not to hate her for what she did to me, knowing (as you do, since you read both my book and my PhD) the extraordinary pain I've experienced as a result of bipolar disorder, and how difficult it has been for me to learn to trust my own thinking... but while I am hurt and angry right now I know this will pass, and that I'm going to be okay. I believe that there is some good in her (a lot of good) and that hating her, while tempting, will never allow this good to come out. All I can do is forgive her, try not to judge her (also, very difficult), and pray that her life is filled with the sort of joy, happiness, and peace that will heal her. It's her birthday today, so I will be thinking of her and hopefully (if she ever reads this) she will know that she was loved and that I just want her to be happy.
My mental health is not great right now, but I think I will be okay in time. I have incredible family and friends and a job that I love, so I'm optimistic that this pain will lessen over time. Thanks to all of you for the kindness and support you've provided me (and each other) on this board. I really hope that the abuses in these trainings (and by these organisations) will be known to the world at some point, but I will be taking a break for now to try and recover. I hope that some of my work will be useful, but - for now - I'm going to leave it in your collective hands.
Kind regards
John
I appreciate the feedback and you are certainly right about all of this. As I explain in the foreword, the book is about how psychological pain and abuse can push people into a "transformative" (hypomanic/manic) state and how our emotions can distort our judgment... which is why I included things of a personal nature (a break-up with someone I loved... which caused the psychological pain... which pushed me into a manic state... which allowed me to write the book in less than three weeks).
The book is dedicated to the person who broke my heart, because I was so in love her and because I was so worried about her, having broken up with her (she battled with a few things that are addressed in some depth in the book... which made the relationship impossible). Anyone who knows what happened between the two of us will realise that, like corboy, I was betrayed by someone that I loved and trusted... in the worst possible way... yet I blamed myself for this, and even begged for her forgiveness on the final page. Although I loved her and treated her with nothing but care and support, she was emotionally abusive and managed to convince me that I was responsible for everything that went wrong.
While it hurts to admit it, I can only laugh at myself for the irony of this situation - I dedicated a book on emotional manipulation and abuse (gaslighting and convincing good people that they are to blame for the pain in their lives) to someone who abused me psychologically and, through incredible gaslighting, convinced me that I was to blame for this extraordinary abuse. When all the evidence in the world told me that I had been betrayed, I could not handle the truth and convinced myself of the most unlikely version of events... because it protected my broken heart, and allowed me to keep seeing this person I loved as someone worthy of this love.
So, as someone with a PhD on manipulation and bipolar disorder, I was manipulated and pushed into a bipolar state (mania). While in this manic state...which I may still be in to some degree... I was convinced that I was not manic (but "transformed"), which... of course... is what I argue occurs to most people who participate in LGATs. Although this might seem embarrassing, and perhaps I will view it in this way at some point, I quite like the fact that I've revealed how vulnerable I am to trusting the intuitive mind rather than the rational mind (like I argue EVERYONE IS in my book). If ever there was evidence that I'm speaking from a place of experience, rather than braying condescendingly to readers as many academics and authors do, it can be seen in the fact that I beg forgiveness from the very person who abused and betrayed me. I'm unsure if a more ironic situation has ever existed.
It's difficult not to be hurt by this sort of betrayal and gaslighting, and I am completely heartbroken, but I imagine that there are things that CJ went through which have contributed to her behaviour and her many personal struggles. It's difficult not to hate her for what she did to me, knowing (as you do, since you read both my book and my PhD) the extraordinary pain I've experienced as a result of bipolar disorder, and how difficult it has been for me to learn to trust my own thinking... but while I am hurt and angry right now I know this will pass, and that I'm going to be okay. I believe that there is some good in her (a lot of good) and that hating her, while tempting, will never allow this good to come out. All I can do is forgive her, try not to judge her (also, very difficult), and pray that her life is filled with the sort of joy, happiness, and peace that will heal her. It's her birthday today, so I will be thinking of her and hopefully (if she ever reads this) she will know that she was loved and that I just want her to be happy.
My mental health is not great right now, but I think I will be okay in time. I have incredible family and friends and a job that I love, so I'm optimistic that this pain will lessen over time. Thanks to all of you for the kindness and support you've provided me (and each other) on this board. I really hope that the abuses in these trainings (and by these organisations) will be known to the world at some point, but I will be taking a break for now to try and recover. I hope that some of my work will be useful, but - for now - I'm going to leave it in your collective hands.
Kind regards
John