Stay in total control of your transportation so you can flee

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[forum.culteducation.com]

After the
ceremony we given the choice, we could return to our cabins to
contemplate or we could stay at the lodge to dance the night away with
the other men. Naturally my buddy and myself opted VERY QUICKLY for
the return to the cabin option. As did most of the other initiates.

Once returning to the cabin, my buddy and I were PISSED. It was at
that time that we decided that at first light we were leaving.

The weekend was supposed to last until around 6 or 7 pm on Sunday, but
my buddy and I were packed and ready to go at first light- we went to
the instructors cabin and walked in- they told us to get out! We told
then we wanted our car keys etc, because we were leaving. Naturally,
they then got PISSED! We expected them to make a huge scene in front
of the other initiates but after about 20 minutes of a few of them
pressuring us to stay, "But we're not finished!" "We still have the
renaming exercise!," "But we still have to do the sweat lodge!" (I
read the post about them telling guys to touch each other's dicks
during the sweat, and while I can't speak to that, I wouldn't be
surprised) "Yeah, that's great guys, but as we said, we're outta here,
gimme my car keys!"

Finally they relented. Luckily, my buddy and I had carpooled together
so we weren't in that trap. And by the way, we felt that the carpool
request by MKP was exactly that, a trap so people couldn't leave
without a huge hassle...

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A piece of paper was brought out from a folder and slid across the
table, next to a candle. "This is an agreement for the weekend. You
must read and understand this, then sign it. Hurry up, men are
waiting." I was handed a blue pen. I hate writing in blue ink. I
started to read the text in the dim light of the candle. Actually, I
was speed-reading it.

"You agree to hold New Warriors as harmless for any physical injuries
you endure this weekend. You agree to not disclose to anyone the
nature or exact activities of this weekend. You may share that you
were on this experience, but you may not describe in any detail any
portion of this weekend. You agree to hold New Warriors as harmless
for any damage or loss. You agree to hold New Warriors as harmless for
any difficulty you may have with this weekend. You understand that
this weekend will be physically and emotionally challenging and you
may opt to quit at any time. You understand that no money will be
refunded to you after this point." It went on.

"Hurry up 38, Men are waiting!" the men behind the table started
shouting. I signed and returned the paper to them.

The man who had the marker also brought out a quart size baggie. In a
very firm voice he said, "In this bag you will put any jewelry, drugs,
electronic items or weapons. It will be kept for you and returned at
the end of the weekend. Do it now. Hurry, men are waiting!"

I took off my watch and a gold necklace that my girlfriend had given
me. I don't think I was wearing any other jewelry. I had a hard time
taking off the necklace as my hands were shaking. Part adreline and
part panic. I had cigarettes and a lighter (I smoked back then) that I
also surrendered and then sealed up the bag and handed it back to
them. The man with the markers threw it back to me. "I didn't tell you
to give it back to me! Go see the next man. Hurry, men are waiting!"
Two men came up to me, one on each side and took me by my arms and
pushed me along.

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hey were working us in shifts. This could go on all night at this
rate. I felt I was right in my conclusion that it was time to get out
of here.

I was shown a place near a wall that I could sit on the floor. There
was a cushion. I was then feeling chilled. Perhaps it was the change
in the room temperature from the hall or I was really ill, or I had
managed to convince myself that I was truly ill with something and my
mind was taking over to do the rest of it. "Rest here a while, we'll
check on you in a bit." Someone told me.

I leaned against the wall, shivering, chilled.

I sat there for a while and truly felt ill. My stomach was churning.
It might have been low blood sugar, left over problems from crypto,
panic, what ever, it was getting bad and then I felt I needed to
vomit. I looked around and could not immediately see a restroom or a
sink, but I saw a door and ran out of it, into the cold night air and
onto the crunching snow. I saw a tree to my right and headed toward
it. For some reason I need to be at the base of something. I puked a
little bile, and then eat some snow to clear the tasted. One of the
staffers had come out. He helped me to my feet and then into the
building, back to the place where I was sitting before. Another
staffer came up with a blanket and offered it to me. I thanked them
for it, violating the "Don't speak unless spoken to." Rule. I was at
this point, hot and shivering and did not care what the rules were to
have been.

Not long after that Bill Kauth came up to me and said, "The other boys
are playing 'capture the flag' for a while. Do you think if you rested
for a bit you could continue? Perhaps in the morning?" I allowed for a
pause and then responded, trying not to make a lot of effort in doing
so, appearing weak. "I don't think I can, sir."

"Ok" he responded.

I wrapped myself tightly in the blanket and was shivering, hard. I had
the chills, badly. I heard M explain that I had been pretty sick from
Crypto just a week before. There was a lot of chatter and then Bill
came back to me. "We should get you home." I had to explain that I was
grouped with guys in a van, so I didn't have a way home. Someone told
me that they would find a way. I fell asleep for a while. It was the
first, and only time I have ever slept while leaning against something
on the ground.

M gently woke me. One of the staff people, a man I knew from ACOA
would take me home. I needed to go get my bag from the pile in the
other room since they did not know which bag was mine and then I could
go any time.

Mr. Kauth then told me there was one more thing to do before I left. I
needed to tell the others who I was to be on the weekend that I was
leaving. They had returned from their time out in the woods, I spotted
his watch and saw that it was close to 4:00AM; this had all been going
on non-stop since 6:00PM the day before.

I kept the blanket around me and was shown the way to the hallway. I
was directed back to the square where the others were sitting, on the
floor, sweaty and looking tired. I felt better, but tried to keep my
level low.

"38 will be leaving us.' Bill said to them. "He has decided he cannot
continue the weekend with you. He will not graduate to be a man. Do
you have anything to say to them, 38?"

My mind quickly passed around several things that I could say. I could
tell them that I knew it was phony; a well-timed and acted play and
that I felt violated by what had gone on thus far.

I considered saying that I was leaving because I saw no point to this,
based on what I had experienced so far. And that we were men, and
didn't need them to tell us so.

In the end, I said something very simple, "I wish you all the best at
finding whatever you seek this week."

I rummaged though the pile of luggage to find my bag and then I left.

Most of the ride to my home was in silence and I think I fell asleep.
I really didn't care if I seemed weak or not. I needed sleep.

When I awoke the next afternoon, I called my girlfriend to explain
that I was home, I had left and I started writing notes about the
weekend. I needed to tell someone what I had experienced. It was so
horrible. I had learned in my time as part of ACOA and other therapy
that writing helped me to work my way through bad experiences, and to
process what had gone one.

I no longer participated in any events with the New Warriors.

------------------------------

Postlude: Viewpoint and opinion.

Looking back at the 10,000 plus words that I have written about my
encounter with the New Warriors, many thoughts come to mind.

I went in search of something, an identity; man. At the time I was
seduced by the idea that I had lacked having some in my life say to
me, "you are now a man." Like someone handing me the certificate of
manhood, or something like that. I thought that this weekend would be
such at the end, I could say, "I'm a man." Instead I found what I had
experienced already at the hands of other men. Brutality,
mistreatment, some might say a sexual assault while I was being
searched. The script for the weekend reads that you are kept off
balance for much of the time. Food is controlled and meager. Breakfast
both days is 'gruel', other food times are nuts and berries. Water
intake is controlled, your actions are watched. What I came away with
was a worse mis-trust of men than I had before. I had trusted this
group to treat me with the respect that I was due, not only as a
human, but as a grown man of 32 years. Even criminals do not deserve
that same treatment.