Re: Did you get the hand-puppets?

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With respect to things that make it like a cult, some people have already mentioned how NVC people have their own language. In this post I expand on that. In another post I will write about how it is a defensive, closed group.

So as far as jargon, I got really tired, for example, of the following things I heard over and over:


From Rosenberg in particular:

"what's alive in you"
"what would make make life more wonderful"


From Rosenberg and followers

requests, demands, strategies, willing

From followers

be present, presence, make space, hold space open


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Here is an example of how Rosenberg talks, writes:


Our training in Nonviolent Communication helps participates gain skill in expressing two things: (1) what’s alive in you right now, and (2) what would make life more wonderful. You learn how to say just that without any criticism or demand. Just say what’s alive in you, how you are in other words, and what would make life wonderful. And no matter what other people say, hear only what’s alive in them and what would make life wonderful.

A Conversation With Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

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There are a few things I have seen about NVC which are similar to cults, or religions. Actually, these can be talked about individually. So I will say a few words about the religious aspect after I talk about how it is stagnant, closed and defensive.

By stagnant, defensive and closed what I mean is that I saw these things:

Rosenberg is the only guru. What he said seems to be almost written in stone.

Typically, when I have questioned or challenged things, the NVC people have gotten defensive. This has happened in three countries now: the USA, Portugal and now Brazil. Dominic Barter in Brazil has been an exception for the most part.

Also, nothing ever seems to be verified scientifically.

More specifically about how it has become like a religion, at least in Brazil are the following problems:

Since Rosenberg is dead now people have to "interpret" what he said. They can do this in pretty much way they want.

In Brazil there are a lot of people offering their services as trainers and facilitators. Most charge, of course. Dominic is again the exception, working only for donations for the past 15 or 20 years or so as I understand it.

Like religious leaders, the trainers seemed to be competing for followers and market share, each with their own "brand" of NVC. They will each say or imply that their version of NVC is the "right" or "true" one. This was a bit like someone trying to say what a "real" Christian or Muslim or Jew is.

I also saw some people almost give away their brains and indepedence to some of the trainers or practice group facilitators. I am exaggerating a bit, of course. But it did scare me a little.

I also saw a similarity to relgion or spirituality in the sense that it seemed people were being sold a set of beliefs that helped them feel better. One parent was told, for example, that he didn't really cause someone else to feel hurt by things he had said or done in a practice group. This helped him feel less guilty. Instead of apologizing to the person, he basically blamed her and said "She chose" this and "she chose" that. When I said I was afraid he would mess up his child by doing that kind of thing (as I see many parents do), he got very defensive, which I guess is understandable,

Also, in general, I did not see many critical thinkers, atheists or skeptics. I did not see many people looking for many cause and effect relationships, such as the relationship between various types of abuse, including emotional and psychological, and its effects.

Many people seemed to prefer to believe that we nearly always cause our own pain and unhappiness by the way we "hear" or interpret things. Therefore if we chose to hear things in a different way, or not hear them at all, we can be instantly happier.

Another problem related to cause and effect or responsibility is that th majority of trainers follow Rosenberg in saying that it is not ok to say something like "I feel judged." They say we are "evaluating" what others are doing when we say this.

So they seem to create the illusion that people don't really actually judge us - or ignore or neglect us. It is all just the way we hear or interpret or perceive said or done to us.

They have a list of "banned" words (my term), like judged, ignored, neglected and invalidated. And they have a very short list of suggested "acceptable" feelings and needs.

Feeling important, or in control, are not real needs, according to NVC websites, books etc.

For me, though, it is very obvious that many of us, if not all, to one degree or another, need, at time at least, to feel important and/or in control.

We also do judge and invalidate each other. So over-all they seem to be twisting reality to suit their beliefs.


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Here is a good example of what bothers me about what Rosenberg taught. Is is an article where a guy is talking about how "heard criticism" when his wife said something.

I am curious what others have to say about it.

[www.nvcworld.com]

[www.nvcworld.com]

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