Hints and vagueness are powerful means of delivering threats or reprimands.
A precise threat can be dealt with - you can come up with a solution. Or, realize it is bullshit.
A vague threat casts shadows. Will I go insane? How? Omigod Condition X runs in my family. Or, maybe I do drink too much or eat too much junk food and better do something about it. Or ....on and on and on.
Vague hints of disapproval are the same - they leave room for our imaginations and shame issues to take over.
Where did I offend? No one said anything to me at the the time, or was I too stupid to pick up that I'd done something wrong. Omigod, how long have I been doing something wrong and no one told me. Or am I really as socially inept as they say I am...on and on and on.
Very different from someone saying, so and So is angry because you forgot to put cream and one sugar in his coffee.
That is specific information on how you incurred disapproval. And it leaves room for you to do at least one of two things.
* Say you understand this, thanks for telling me.
* Think to yourself that anyone who gets ANGRY at such a small thing means it is
all about him, not about me.
This leaves room for you to think,
a) Maybe he is having a bad day.
b) If he keeps getting angry over tiny things like this, I'd better dump him
look for another job, and until I find another job, document everything at work so I can make a case for myself if things get worse.
Vagueness, whether vague threats or vague reprimands is a recipe for crazymaking and fear induction.
A precise threat can be dealt with - you can come up with a solution. Or, realize it is bullshit.
A vague threat casts shadows. Will I go insane? How? Omigod Condition X runs in my family. Or, maybe I do drink too much or eat too much junk food and better do something about it. Or ....on and on and on.
Vague hints of disapproval are the same - they leave room for our imaginations and shame issues to take over.
Where did I offend? No one said anything to me at the the time, or was I too stupid to pick up that I'd done something wrong. Omigod, how long have I been doing something wrong and no one told me. Or am I really as socially inept as they say I am...on and on and on.
Very different from someone saying, so and So is angry because you forgot to put cream and one sugar in his coffee.
That is specific information on how you incurred disapproval. And it leaves room for you to do at least one of two things.
* Say you understand this, thanks for telling me.
* Think to yourself that anyone who gets ANGRY at such a small thing means it is
all about him, not about me.
This leaves room for you to think,
a) Maybe he is having a bad day.
b) If he keeps getting angry over tiny things like this, I'd better dump him
look for another job, and until I find another job, document everything at work so I can make a case for myself if things get worse.
Vagueness, whether vague threats or vague reprimands is a recipe for crazymaking and fear induction.
